[Bianca29]

My story aims to act as a wake up call for all those who live a yo-yo lifestyle and for authorities who have the power to rectify the widely accepted ineffective weight-loss techniques to which we are cruelly exposed on a daily basis.
I have lived a life of diet-binge eating for 5 years.
Failing so many times in keeping crash diets has destroyed my self-esteem and consequently my ability to be confident in romantic relations.
Media and the openly embraced discrimination towards overweight people have created the perfect medium for me to develop a severe Body Dysmorphic Disorder, depression and suicidal thoughts.
Before dieting
I used to be a happy, open, confident, wild, stubborn and lively child. I thought extremely high about myself. I was popular in school and very driven. I was a top student during each academic year.
After the age of 13, I was always out with friends, always wearing tight, tight tiny t-shirts and most of the time being the cheerful one in the group.
At the age of 14, I had a radical haircut and went from having 16 inch long and silky hair to having 1 inch long hair. Many of my friends did not like it and some said that it did not suit me at all, but I did not care about anyone’s opinion, I was felling soooo attractive, confident and feminine.
Long story short- Life was brilliant!

At the age of 15 and a half, after ending a two year relation, I had more time available and, out of boredom, during the autumn College exams period, I started eating a bit more than usual.In a few months my weight jumped up 19 pounds.
As I had been a skinny girl, I did not know how to react and I was feeling uncomfortable in my new body, so,
I decided to do what everyone else was doing, including my best friend: keep a crash diet.
It was a terrible experience, I felt weak, starved, sad and irritate. I was thinking about food every two seconds and the worst part was that, after five days of ‘cabbage soup’ diet, I did not lose the diet-promised 10 pounds. It was my first major failure. It made me feel confused, even more sad and, as I had piled the eating-tension for all those days, I went back for a few days to eating whatever, whenever, feeling like an individual who found food after years of starvation.
This made me feel guilty, as the magazines, the books and the slim, pretty girls on TV were saying that it is easy to keep a diet and that only by keeping a diet one can lose weight.
I was ashamed of my new body, so I continued the vicious cycle of dieting-binge eating, which eventually became inescapable.
I was fluctuating from ingesting a tiny bit of food during some days to tons of food in other days.
With every new failure in keeping a diet, I reinforced a lower and lower self-esteem.
I started hiding food, as, being known as a strong-willed person, I could not bare the thought that others will see my uncontrolled eating behaviour. I was obsessed about my weight, but also about food.
I remember people telling me to stop obsessing myself about diets and just eat healthy food if I want to lose weight. But healthy food meant vegetables and fruits and all I was craving for ware chocolate and cakes. How could they say that it is easy not to want sweets?!
I remember people telling me that I was not at all fat. I was hearing them, but never listening. I was seeing myself huge, a depressed mass of fat. I could not stop!
I could not explain to myself how I got there, but I was feeling trapped, desperate, helpless, hopeless, guilty, empty, worthless and terribly ugly and fat. This has lead me to a sure path towards Body Dismorphic Disorder and constant depression. I would rarely smile.
I was not the lively girl anymore and, though I still had friends and great results at College, nothing but my weight mattered.

I got to hate my body, my face and my hair with ferocious passion.
I was starved for love from others, but, at the same time, I could not believe that someone can love me the way I was, so, I was going from pushing people away to clinginess.
My low self-esteem made me insecure in relations. I was dumped for these reasons several times and this made it even worst.
Dieting and binge-eating have been ruling my life for 5 years.
Around the age of 19, I vividly remember being with a friend in a night club. I was Saturday night: loads of cheerful young people around dancing and having fun. At that time, I had recently ended a relationship - he cheated on me with a skinny girl. I think that I was at my lowest ever, not for ending the relation, but for being indirectly said that if I am not skinny, I was not attractive enough to keep a partner. No one told me so, but that was all my mind was going back to- skinny women are happy, skinny women are loved, skinny women have all they want, skinny women are fun. I was thinking that, if I were to die it would be such a relief. If I were not to care more for my family than for myself, I would have committed suicide. As for me, I did not see anything inspiring neither at that time, nor ahead in my life. No bright future for me because I was seeing myself as being too fat to ever be happy again, to ever feel myself again, to ever be confident with my body, to ever love myself or to be loved. I could not stand myself! It was a dark period and only my little brother’s presence could touch me in a positive way.
In summary:
1. I ate out of boredom.
2. I gained 19 pounds .
3. I kept on going back and forth to crash dieting -binge eating and even started to hide food to eat it when no one could see me.
4. My self-esteem got lower and lower with each dieting failure.
5. I developed Body Dysmorphic Disorder and depression and became clingy in relations.
Me at 19 years old

I moved to London when I was 20 and a half years old.
A month later, I met a man who, at that time, I considered to be my dream man: handsome, tall, dark, intelligent, interesting, honest, successful, you-name-it.
For a few months he was the one to chase me with phone calls, texts and e-mails. I was cold and did not show him any interest, not because I did not like him, but because I was feeling unworthy to go out with such a man. I saw myself as not attractive enough to ever keep a man like him.
I could not pull myself together after so many rollercosters in my romantic life, all caused by my self hate for having a few extra pounds.
I remember once when we met, I was so insecure that I could not enjoy the date. I only thought of him not thinking that I am too fat, too short, too stupid, too...
I was expecting him to push me away and that is exactly what he did. When he stopped looking for me, I genuinely felt the ground crumble beneath my feet. It was one of my greatest losses. I felt like an empty container waiting to be filled.
I went back to eating, but this time was different. I was tired of the same pattern of experiences. This was the first time when I realised that, after eating a whole bar of milk chocolate and plenty of cookies I still felt empty. It was the first time when I was able to realise that the joy I was looking for was not in losing weight, not in food, not in a relation, but in making my life the life I dreamed of, regardless of my weight.
I needed to understand how I could bring back the confident ‘me’ who was passionate about life. This was the end of my tough 5 years and the beginning of my new life - a life of self-understanding, self-respect, self-appreciation and gratitude for who I am.
I gave up dieting (which was hard to do and frightening to conceive, as part of me still thought that diets are the only way to lose weight) and I started to accept myself the way I was.
Firstly, I wanted to understand what was it that l was Iooking for at the end of that binge-eating behaviour.
It was inner happiness that I most needed.
I realised that even when eating loads of sweets, I was not actually gain it.
No tone of sweets ever gave me a long-lasting rush of joy, but even with this realisation,
I did not overcome overeating all of a sudden.

Secondly, in order to understand what was it that was maintaining my emotional eating habits, I took a scrutinising look into my inner-relation, professional life and relationships.
It took patience and persistence, but getting to know myself allowed me to give up making unnecessary compromises (mediocre relationships, working in jobs that made me feel miserable, not enjoying life) and to actually go for what really makes me feel deeply happy and validated. This was my solution.
Living my life with passion simply diverted my mind from food.
I cannot express how obsessed I used to be with food during those 5 years - I was visualising it, craving it, loving it, hardly being able to resist it. I remember looking at my sister, who was and is very skinny, and wonder how on Earth can someone have a chocolate in front of them and not eat it?! I have never imagined myself not craving sweets or not eating twice as much as I should have.
Now, give me a chocolate and I’ll keep it next to me for days, if I do not feel like eating it.
I eat whatever I want and whenever I feel like. I stopped depriving myself and these tiny changes sky-rocketed my life.
I lost 9 pounds diet-free and it has been now almost 3 years since I have the same weight.
Actually, during summer, I naturally lose 6 pounds and gain them back during autumn. This is what happens to all mammals.
In summary:
1. I discovered the events and the beliefs created by those events which caused my weight gain;
2. I understood that those past events had nothing to do with my worth,
hence my disempowering beliefs were not true;
3. I got to know myself;
4. I created optimistic future expectations;
5. I eliminated all my disempowering beliefs and my weight gain feeders. Empowering beliefs followed naturally;
6. I made a realistic, but inspiring plan of life goals which kept me passionate about my daily life - I built Weight Loss Feeders.
In the mean time, my overeating disappeared and weigh loss came effortlessly.

I know now that I need not be skeletal in order to be happy. I am greatful for having escaped a vicious cycle which was meant to doom my life.
I am aware that many people go through diets, depression and Body Dysmorphic Disorder without thinking that they require help.
Many people make compromises in relations and professions which make them highly unsatisfied with their overall life. The majority of these people find a solution in overeating, drinking or drugs.
Knowing myself brought me back the power to be loving and open with people.
My biggest achievement was to stop being a binge/ emotional/ compulsive/ after-diet eater. I have got back my life when I stopped being lived by diets and weight concerns.
If I were not to give up crash dieting I would have NEVER, EVER cured my overeating behaviour. So, though stabilising my food intake has been the number one element which led me back to normality, giving up crash diets has been the starting point.
I was able to successfully keep away from crash dieting and never go back because I understood my real value, my qualities and how I could focus on them, rather then waste my time concealing my flaws.
I now have an optimistic outlook, ferocious passion for everything I invest my time in and a happy, deeply fulfilling life.
I am studying a Degree in Psychology and aim to help others overcome overeating with the book I am currently writing.
Many people settle for less than they deserve: jobs, partners, etc.
Many people are their own personal enemy - they torture their mind in thinking negative about themselves.
Many people think to much about food - they plan it, they write it down, they count the calories, carbs, fat.
Many people start going to the gym only to give up going because they do not enjoy the process.
If you are one of these, save yourself money, time and unnecessary pain!
Just stop the self-impossed torture and start living!
Life is too short for diets and compromises!